31 Funny Stewie Griffin Quotes

Stewie Griffin is a popular character from the super hit animation series, ‘Family Guy’. The baby of the Griffin family enjoys dark humor and witty sayings. Who doesn’t? Stewie is known for being totally different from sweet and innocent babies in real life. This animated character has violent thoughts and pictures raging through his tiny head. Stewie is also clued up to contemporary culture. For example, in one memorable quote, he talks about becoming a child star and moving to California.

The best part of Stewie Griffin quotes is, how easily they bring complex words into a one-year-old’s vocabulary. Stewie Griffin can gravely talk about rigor mortis, or shower his mother with wildly colorful phrases. Cursing his mother is one of Stewie’s favorite hobbies. In a scandalous quote, he curses his mother for thwarting him, ever since he got out of her womb. At the same time, Stewie, a true bundle of quick and sinister energy, displays totally baby-like antics, such as peeing in his pants or crying for his mom to change his diaper. The series continuously shocks its viewers with Stewie Griffin quotes like statements about God being deliciously evil.

Here is a look at some of the most popular Stewie Griffin quotes.

If you like this article, you might be interested in some of our other articles on Inspirational Graduation Quotes, Quotes About Being Beautiful, Good Love Quotes and Live Laugh Love Quotes.

“Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.” – Stewie Griffin

“[In car with Brian, says to police officer] We met on the Internet. He lured me into the car with promises of candy and funny stories.” – Stewie Griffin

“I love God. He’s so deliciously evil.” – Stewie Griffin

“There’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it’s not so much that I want to kill her, it’s just, I want her not to be alive anymore.” – Stewie Griffin

“By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.” – Stewie Griffin

“[Watching cheerleaders changing in a locker room] It appears my wee-wee’s been stricken with rigor-mortis.” – Stewie Griffin

“Do the women there have exposed clitorati?” – Stewie Griffin

“Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint. It’s in my diaper and it’s not a toaster.” – Stewie Griffin

“By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.” – Stewie Griffin

“For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!” – Stewie Griffin

“Stewie Griffin [picking a booger]: Does this not disgust you? Brian Griffin: Kid, you’re talkin’ to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.” – Stewie Griffin

“When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.” – Stewie Griffin

“Lois Griffin: Stewie why don’t you play in the other room? Stewie Griffin: Why don’t you burn in hell?” – Stewie Griffin

“Lois Griffin [finding note in Chris’s pocket]: Huh, what’s this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn’t usually read things out of Chris’s pocket. She’s more respectful than that. Stewie Griffin: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.” – Stewie Griffin

“Hmm, time for dessert. Let’s see – big chocolate cake for Stewie, [holds up a leaf to Chris] and something very tasty for big, fat you.” – Stewie Griffin

“Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven’t been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different. Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.” – Stewie Griffin

“Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!” – Stewie Griffin

“You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it’s just another one of your wretched culinary abortions. Now clean it up!” – Stewie Griffin

“You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.” – Stewie Griffin

“Stewie: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.” – Stewie Griffin

“Stewie Griffin [reading the Bible]: My my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I’ll say, you won’t find that in Winnie the Pooh. Chris Griffin: Please, don’t say pooh.” – Stewie Griffin

“[While Peter is changing Stewie] Stewie: No, you idiot. That’s not baby powder, that’s paprika. Ahhhh! Take that.” – Stewie Griffin

“Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet.” – Stewie Griffin

“Stewie: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.” – Stewie Griffin

“You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence… gotta get me some of that.” – Stewie Griffin

“Stewie: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli “airplane style”] Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers.” – Stewie Griffin

“Forecast for tomorrow; a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!” – Stewie Griffin

“Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards “S” supposed to be cute? I’m going to crap double for you tonight.” – Stewie Griffin

“Do these huggies make my ass look big?” – Stewie Griffin

“Stewie: Isn’t it funny how they say “life is like a box of chocolates”? Well in your case, dear mother, life is like a box of active grenades!” – Stewie Griffin

“Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!” – Stewie Griffin